There's a signpost up ahead...Malaise, CA 95350 Population: 1

If you speak the title of this blog aloud in your best Rod Serling voice, it helps to understand where this is all coming from.

Malaise (pronounced mal-aze) is a feeling of general discomfort or unease, an out of sorts feeling. Medically, it can be accompanied by fatigue, or a feeling of not having enough energy to accomplish usual activities.

Fortunately, we (Loretta and I) are still in the "let's maintain our sense of humor about all of this" mode. We joke about it, we laugh in its face, we wake each day hoping it will be this day when it begins to subside. We pray that the doctors are listening to what I say about my well being each time I see them. Their usual order of business: make a minor adjustment on one or more of the medications I gag down each day and say, "Let's see how that makes you feel in a few weeks". Bottom line: I don't feel any better.

An example of the lack of immediacy: I had a sleep apnea evaluation over a week ago. Yesterday, I received an email (no phone call) stating I could pick up a CPAP machine in 5 weeks. The CPAP helps force oxygen into the lungs while you sleep. So, for the next 5 weeks...?

Obviously, my lack of sleep is a contributing factor to my overall lack energy, fatigue, and feeling of malaise. No one is "home" for three days this weekend, so a phone call to the doc would be fruitless until Tuesday. And Tuesday is also the day my current LOA letter runs out, ie, the time my doctor has taken me off work. It really doesn't look like I'll be going back yet as I don't feel any different from three weeks ago.

The good news: I'm not getting any worse, and, my chest cold has just about run its course. That leaves the sciatic nerve lameness, the lack of breath, lack of energy, the stuporous stare, and general fatigue and malaise to battle. I can handle all of that for as long as I have to. At the grocery store, I can now make it from the cucumbers to the cumquats without stopping to catch my breath!

Hey, I tried that Fusion V-8 Juice the other day. I've always been a fan of V-8, and this stuff is pretty good. One eight ounce glass provides one serving each of veggies and fruit. Must be careful though. If I drink too much, I really am not in any shape to be running to the shitter!

F.Y.I.

It's not easy for me to plaster this info all over the internet for anyone to see. But, since I know there are a handful who may be interested...here's the latest.

I've been on a medical leave of absence for a while for a multitude of issues. Having them all come down at once has taken its toll. I am scheduled to go back to work on June 1st, but that remains to be seen...depends on how functional I am at that point.

Bottom line: Medically speaking, it's called severe progressive coronary heart disease...that's the bad news. The good news is that I know I have it and am being aggressively treated for it. I just saw my cardio doc again yesterday, and though he told me nothing new he did reiterate the state of my coronary situation. My cards have been dealt, I have to make a few choices on how to play them.

On top of the coronary thing, I have been working my way through a bout of sciatica (the sciatic nerve is the largest in the body and stretches from the spinal cord down the leg), causing extreme immobility and pain. Add a chest cold to the mix, aggressive blood pressure and cholesterol meds, and I really feel like crap!

The shiny side of the coin? My BP, cholesterol, triglycerides, liver function, and lungs are all excellent now. The dull side of the coin? Depression, attitude, motivation, insomnia...all challenging right now.

I seem to be able to walk much better today and that pain has subsided a bit. If I can get back on one of my (many) bicycles, I can get my energy and fitness back where it should be. Energy to go back to working on some of my projects, ie, photography, writing, cooking.

I know that I have a lot more in me, a lot of time left. And I am much more fortunate than others worse off than I. And, hey...I have Loretta!

Thanks to all who express concern, I appreciate it.

"Now, now!"

Clouseau: There seems to be a lot of crazy people here!

Doctor: We don't use that word around here!

Clouseau: Then what do you call all these crazy people?

Doctor: Now, now!

Clouseau: Well, there are lot of now, now people here...I can tell you that!

Almost Cut My Hair

Thanks for clicking in.

I've had a lot on my mind recently. And considering all of it has been just that (on my mind, not on paper), it's not easy knowing where to start. Since ya' gotta start somewhere...

I'm reminded from time to time about a little boy, around four years old, sitting by himself on a curb in front of his house. He's not doing anything in particular except sitting alone and staring down at the street in front of him, occasionally picking up a small stone and tossing it into the street. The little boy's mother and next door neighbor pause from their morning coffee break, taking notice of him from the kitchen window. Feeling a little sorry for him, they decide to go out and see if the little boy is alright. With his chin cradled in his hands, he appears to be simply pondering the day. Perhaps he is thinking about playing baseball, or chasing lizards, or visiting another little friend up the street. He most certainly is not thinking about anything serious, not worrying about anything in particular. After all, he's only four years old. His mother and her friend reach the curb where the little boy is sitting. They both bend slightly at the waist to better see his face. "Are you alright? You've been sitting out here for quite a while", asks the mother. Without looking around, his chin still in his hands, the little boy responds, "Leave me alone. I just wanna sit here!"

Of course, 56 years later, I haven't really changed that much. Well, some things haven't changed anyway. I still sit and ponder the day, every day, doing way too much thinking.

I know what I think about now. But, what was I brooding over back then, at four years old? Or at ten...or thirteen? Now...I think a lot about mortality. How much time I have left. How many more things I would like to do. Back then, on that particular day, I think I was simply waiting for the Good Humor Man to drive by. And I just wanted to be left alone while doing so. I was then and will always be a somewhat solitary person.

So, the other day, I almost cut my hair. I have (literally) not been feeling up to par. Metaphorically, (to me anyway) it means it is time for a change I suppose.

And I (need to) find a place inside to laugh, separate the wheat from the chaff.
I feel ...
Like I owe it, to someone.